Nothing: Something to Believe In
Presented by Nica Lalli, Art Educator, Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York City
About the Speaker
Nica Lalli is an art educator working with the Metropolitan Museum of Art. She also writes a weekly column in the Brooklyn Paper. She is the author of Nothing: Something to Believe In her newly published and recently acclaimed memoir of growing up nonreligious. In her memoir she also explores how to relate to devout relatives, the need to “come out” as a nonbeliever, and what she does believe in, if she doesn’t believe in God.
About the Event
Summary with Commentary for the 257th meeting of CFI- Michigan. This meeting was held on July 23, 2008, in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
The topic for this meeting was: Nothing: Something to Believe In. It was presented by Nica Lalli, Art Educator, Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York City. Her presentation was given the following day, July 24, at CFI- Southeast Michigan in Rochester Hills.
Lalli asked us to consider what it is like to grow up in a house with no religion. What kind of experience does someone have when one is not a believer and yet comes into constant contact with religion? How can a person find out what they are when they must focus on what they are not?
These and other intriguing questions were raised in her memoir (on sale at the meeting): Nothing; Something to Believe in; published by Prometheus Books. In it, she records, with humor, wit and poignant insight, an account of her mishaps and misadventures with religion from early childhood into her adult years. As a questioning child, unsure of her idea of God, then later as a teenager, feeling like an outsider, and finally as an adult mother confronted by her husband’s born- again Christian family and questions from her own children, Nica vividly described her struggle to find out what kind of something she really is. She explored with us how nothing is a philosophy to be embraced rather than feared.
Nica Lalli begins her book by stating that the true outsiders in society are the nonbelievers. According to studies on tolerance that she cites, this group is the least likely to be voted for to hold public office; the most feared; considered the greatest threat to America; and the people that Americans would least like to have marry into their family. Fear often springs from the unknown, which leads to prejudice and unfounded vilification. The antidote is understanding; without understanding, tolerance cannot exist. She writes in her book (pg. 13): Somehow it seems that many of those who follow the words of such wise men as Jesus or Muhammad skip the parts where these issues are raised. Somehow the fundamentalists miss the big messages behind the religions they profess to believe in with every cell of their beings. Wars are waged, lives are lost, and I sit here being hated for my ideas [...]. End of quote from larger passage.
In her memoir, Lalli did not seek to write an erudite philosophical treatise on belief or lack thereof. She did not look to issue a polemic against believers or tout the superiority of atheism. Likewise, she did not examine the issues raised in her book in a cool, detached and scientific manner. Lalli is not, she told us, a biologist, theologian, philosopher, etc. but instead, is a mother who attends PTA meetings, a wife, a daughter, neighborhood block captain, painter, art editor and writer. And she is a storyteller. Her story is a personal one about what it is like to be brought up in a family that adhered to no religious belief system. Her father was born into a Catholic family but then fully jettisoned his religious upbringing, and her mother was a non-practicing, Jew.
In childhood she noticed that all her friends were something. They were Protestants or Catholics or were Jewish, for instance. They were from a wide variety of religious denominations, but they were all from SOME religious upbringing. Again, they were all something. When she, however, was asked which variety of something she was, she had no answer. So she posed the question to her parents. She was told they were nothing.
At first, nothing was a disturbing concept ; one that put her squarely into the ultimate outsider population; it said what she lacked but not what she had or was. Because the overwhelming majority of people she met were part of some faith tradition or another, she often found herself defining her own view by their terminology- and in the negative. A nonbeliever is someone who does not believe. But in what? Answer: In religious concepts or supernatural beings. The term is used only to deal with religious belief. One can be a professional debunker of ESP and therefore not believe in extra sensory perception. But if he were called a nonbeliever, others would assume this to infer disbelief only in religious ideas. An atheist is understood to not subscribe to notions of God or gods. This would be like someone wearing a red jacket in a population of mostly blue jacket wearers and having to say he is a non- blue- jacket wearer, rather than someone who wears red jackets. An atheist has to put a prefix that means not in front of a term for a thoroughly religious concept. Someone who describes herself as nonreligious is also saying what she is not, while still employing the term religious. One may say he is a rationalist but this implies that those with a different worldview are irrational. And who is to say that lacking religious faith automatically makes one rational in one’s general, daily approach to life. Being an artist, she said- with humor- this term scarcely applied to her. Even calling oneself an agnostic puts too much emphasis on belief systems; the term still deals with one’s take on belief, while seeming to imply that one simply has not yet made up his or her mind on the matter.
She once coined the word apatheist to describe her approach to religious belief but what she finally settled on was what her parents said of the family. She was nothing. This references no religion or doctrine or belief system. Instead of hiding from the word, she sought to own it and to find comfort in it. She wanted to write a book that gave a voice to those without a voice in our society; those who subscribe to no religious faith system, while being fully intertwined with the society that, sadly, rejects them reflexively. Lalli wanted to put a human face on the religion- free world view and show, in her warm, witty and engaging book- sprinkled liberally with both pathos and humor, how she faced the same struggles, concerns, joys and sorrows that others (who are part of a faith tradition) do. The only difference was that she had the additional societally- driven burden of unthinking prejudice saddled upon her. Others had written about growing up as outcasts due to being part of some other minority within a population (religious, ethnic, racial, and so on) but there is a dearth of books on those who have the same hopes, fears, dreams, love of family, ethical beliefs and so on as other ordinary citizens, while being void of religion.
In both her memoir and presentation, Lalli expressed witnessing the divide in our country after September 11, 2001. Suddenly it was not only acceptable for everyone from news reporters to the President to sound like the clergy, but if one did not make the link between belief in God and allegiance to the U.S., then one’s patriotism was called sharply into question. Every intersection of I- beams found in the rubble of the Twin Towers was seen as a cross; Jesus was seen in the smoke high above the fallen buildings, ushering the faithful into Heaven; Fundamentalist evangelicals used the tragedy as an opportunity to bash others (with special ire toward secularists) and to issue dire warnings about how our sinful ways caused God to lift His protection from our nation. Non-believers could be reviled and even said to be in league with the terrorists, with impunity. At best, they were pitied. They were viewed as people with a detestable worldview and automatically suspected of having a weak moral compass and therefore not to be trusted. When pitied, it was because they were believed to have nothing to fall back on in times of crisis. They were lost and rudderless and held a bleak and empty perspective on life. So goes the common religious view on those without belief in supernatural entities.
For our presenter, religion was what other people did. It was a foreign concept. Her parents, as Nica was growing up, did not traffic in religious discourse one way or another. It was a non-issue- one of no interest- to them. So what most people take for granted and as the norm, was a complete mystery for the author of Nothing. She asked the question so often posed by the religious: If one does not believe in the tenets of one or another religious faith, then what DOES one believe in? Many people assume that a negative belief system must fill the imagined void within the non-believer’s heart. They must worship the Devil or believe in some dehumanizing system, etc. Nothing, as a term, not only removes religious terminology from the identifying label but is free from all other connotations as well; no -ist suffix springs to mind and no political party or other personal persuasion or affinity is indicated. As a young girl, she saw the religion of her friends from a child’s vantage point. She coveted her best friend’s white communion dress, completed with gloves and a veil. And she saw the other trappings of a religious upbringing that she was denied. She had no more interest in theological questions and concerns than her religious peer group did but she saw that she was different and could look forward to none of the rituals, commemorative events, rites of passage, shared traditions, stories and songs her friends grew up experiencing.
She told us that she felt, then, as if she was in the middle of a pool, treading water. She knew real embarrassment and shame in having no reply to the question of what religion she was part of. Further complicating the matter was that her father HAD BEEN Catholic, but was no more. Her mother was Jewish and this is not as easy to toss off. Many atheists who were brought up in Jewish homes still self- identify as Jews and even participate in many of the rituals and holidays of Judaism. For them it is about a long and rich history of a people; the cultural identification and commemoration of their people’s past, with a hopeful look to the future. Also, if one has a Jewish mother, one is considered to be Jewish. So this was part of her identity, even though it was not chosen by her and even though she had no training from her mother in Judaism. In her book, Lalli writes of finally connecting with this heritage while still adopting none of the supernatural aspects and how good an experience this was for her. Her mother’s awkward and hopeless attempts at performing the seder on the rare occasions she had tried this, made a mockery of the ritual and so did not attract Nica to the traditions of Judaism earlier on.
As she got older she was asked what she would raise her own children as. Even some atheist parents fall into the trap of believing they must inculcate their children into a religion for their own good. Believers usually assume that one cannot be good or bring up good children if one fails to infuse a faith tradition into the home. She grew tired of always having to tell others what she was not. She was weary of having it assumed that she believed in nothing simply because she was a nothing, so she set out to discover what she DID believe in and what she did to be hold dear and precious. What she found was that we all not only have our own personal story to tell but that we have a single one too; one that links all of humanity together, no matter what land or culture or religion or pigmentation of skin or gender one is born into. We share a common belief in family and friends and finding love and happiness and respect and being successful as parents, in our work, and in other endeavors and pursuits.
Lalli began to examine all the points where religion intersected with her life’s journey. Soon she noticed that her listed events looked like the titles of chapters in books. She had kept journals anyway, as a memory aid and she was a natural storyteller, so developing a narrative for these touchstones in her life seemed like a logical progression for her. Lalli had also drawn inspiration from other memoirs and she firmly believed that everyone has a story to tell. Other preparation included reading more about religion itself, since this was still a fairly foreign concept for her, and she read Stephen King’s book: On Writing. She told only one friend that she was embarking on this challenge but found as she sat down to begin, that the chapters just started pouring out of her! As she completed each chapter, she would send it to her husband at work for review. Lalli was done with the first draft in ‘03. She submitted her baby to various publishing houses, getting 50 declines, 23 maybes and at long last one yes- from Prometheus Books, the publishing arm of CFI.
She wrote her autobiographical account as what she called an optimist with a memory. She said that most optimists are that way because they have poor memories. Lalli discussed the niche that her book fits into. Most memoirs do not deal with growing up as an atheist and most writings regarding people known primarily for their religious skepticism or atheism are biographies; books written by other people, not first hand accounts. I think of the books on Joseph McCabe and Queen Silver (The Godless Girl) as a couple of examples of this. Other autobiographical accounts, such as Dan Barker’s Losing Faith in Faith, for instance, tend to be about liberation from the shackles of religious tyranny or are about bashing religion or showing the superiority of freethinking to religious faith. There really are just so few examples of books out there that simply give the reader a story well told that is funny and charming, at times sad, and always engaging, that just deals with what it is to grow up different when that difference is not having any religious background.
It is not about losing faith or breaking free from its clutches; it is not about a philosophical quest to skeptically scrutinize faith claims and religious doctrines; it is not even about comparing or contrasting religious people with non- religious individuals. By being so warm and genuine, winsome, real and candid—regarding her fears, times of alienation, joys and special moments of various types, she becomes very normal to the reader; everyone’s neighbor or potential friend. In its all too uncommon approach, it does more to help nonbelievers than any number of other books, collectively, that beat the reader over the head about the absurdity of faith claims as opposed to the rational and sensible religious skeptic’s worldview. Lalli’s memoir tells of what unites us and causes the reader to put him/herself in the author’s shoes. It is exceedingly hard to vilify her for telling her personal story or to denounce her memories, given in a vulnerable and open fashion.
Even those with unshakable religious faith- who may not know what it is to doubt, let alone disbelieve in religious dogma- still have probably experienced loneliness, embarrassment, and feeling different and awkward at times. They have experienced love and loss, death and self- doubt. Those who go automatically to religious notions in times of crisis, still have the collective commonality of response that all humans share, apart from their personal faith. They cannot help to see themselves in her, I imagine. She is not the “other” but is us. I suspect, too, that her approach gets past defense mechanisms and pat responses from the religious reader while still showing them how hurtful, disrespectful and bullying their religious zeal can be for the nonbeliever. If it was an attacking book, this could not happen. But it simply presents her unvarnished story and allows the reader to experience its humanity while getting past the contentiousness between the religious and irreligious.
Her writing about being a New Yorker on September 11 shows us a real PERSON and how she found hope without a church or prayer to sustain her. All may recognize themselves in her, even if their religious orientation is at odds with her own. One sees in her book, not some elitist godless intellectual, but a woman who loves a great game of baseball, eats ordinary foods, has struggled to make peace with in- laws (something many people can relate to—though in her case it is due to them being on the fundamentalist end of the Christian faith spectrum) and who is bringing up children in our challenging modern times. Parents always want better for their children than what they knew. Her children are confident and comfortable in their own skin. She wrote (pg. 270): My children have what I did not, they have a sense of security about what they are, what they believe in. They are not afraid of nothing, they accept it and see it as a way to keep open to the possibilities in the world. They see wonder and mystery in life, love, and even death. They do not want the explanations given by religion and they do not see our way as frightening, isolating, or as a void waiting to be filled. End of quote.
In her oral presentation, she spoke to us about being alive to the awareness, in New York, of all the minds all around her—all the pasts and personal histories. She described actually feeling the energies and brains at work and all with their own stories to tell. Tell me your story and I’ll tell you mine, she thought. She thought, too, the worthiness of imparting to society the simple idea of being good and being happy while denying no one else this experience to grow and blossom and become. She wanted to shout: Hey! I’m here! I’m NORMAL; I’m not a nothing because of some inner angst or mistreatment at the hands of nuns or pedophile priests, etc. Nothing wacky in my background; I was not indoctrinated against religious people or expressions of faith. I was not brainwashed and did not live a life of brutal hardship where I felt abandoned by a loving God. I even tried to believe and to find God in the world. It just isn’t here for me as my reality. This does not make me a bad person! This does not make me your enemy. This does not make me the object of either pity or scorn. I just am. We should all just BE!
As to reactions to her book: Surprisingly, perhaps, she was given a good deal of positive feedback from believers. They said such things as that it helped them to understand atheists better as people. Religiously- oriented reviewers were favorably impressed by the work for the most part. For some, however, there can be no expectation of insight and thoughtful response. For the most hardcore fundamentalist readers, the book simply does not exist. There is only one truth and one way to think and her book does not provide that. So it was never written. Some denounced it, unread. But mainstream religious people and non-believers alike found favor with it, generally. Some of the more strident members of the atheist community were unhappy that it was not a more militant book. As she noted, there are already many books of that ilk to select from; that was not where she was coming from. She is not a militant atheist, so her personal story does not reflect this type of individual.
She read from a short essay she had written at the conclusion of her talk. It was a funny, yet wise, piece of writing. It underscored human achievement and goals and determination. It showed the human heart and the human condition. It spoke of human potential and drive and the non-woo-woo sense of the human spirit. No injection of gods is necessary to tell the human story. It was all about the simple things that we all know and feel, no matter what religion we were brought up to believe in (or not). Since it regarded a Home Run Derby, where she recalled an awesome night for one to be an atheist, she ended her essay saying (slightly paraphrasing) that it all comes down to humanity, hope, humility and a well hit ball.
Charles LaRue
